Are we expected to be abused?

I am not talking to our wonderful black males that love and respect women. I do think that the emotional and physical abuse of black women is expected. I also think when black women get into a relationship we have to lower ourselves more than other women in order to keep our man. Once again I am not talking about women with good black men. I am speaking to an overall trend. I wonder if black women are abused more than other groups? now of course all women face gender issues! This is no joke. But here in America, I think black women either are abused by staying with a black man that does not value her, or she has to do live with the idea of being alone. Let us do a quick survey, based on other non black women, how many are married right now? Also, let us compare stories, we all have stories we heard from friends. How many of these non black women had to put up with the same bullshit.

Halle Berry had to go white....

Okay, so why are all the top black actresses single in hollywood. We have Sanaa Lathan, Nia Long, Kerry Washington and the list goes on. Now Obviously these women are gorgeous. No one is perfect, but deep down what makes us unable to be marriage material. This past weekend, Lamar Odom married a non white woman in less than a month. Also Kobe himself is not married to a black woman. Okay let us look beyond sports, other than Obama , the President, how many black men in the public eye are with sista's? Also, why is this isssue ignored? Now this is not a bitter black woman , but a confused one. If everyone was dating because of personality, I would expect to see someone with a chocolate sista by chance? I hate to get deeper, but when a black man does marry in hollywood, this woman may not even have medium to dark skin. I am sorry to have to go there, I know we all have relatives that are lighter, we may be lighter, and this does not make us less black, because deep down we are still human. I just had to get this out there, and I thought having a black first lady would help change the self hate but I am unsure if this will be enough. Once again, marry who you love, this is our human right. HOWEVER, when there is a trend to ignore a group of women from this human experience, something is wrong. We hear so many statistics about HIV in the community, and this may stem to the lack of respect black women are shown. However, no one comments on the relationship between HIV rates, and how us black women are viewed in regards to marriage. I would not be surprised if this rate is connected to the unavailability of men who respect us? So if Halle Berry, the so called most beautiful black women loses her hearing to a black man, and marries a cheater and has to eventually be with a white man, where do we go from here?

Date Help101

Ok, so 6'10 brother could not drive halfway to meet up for the first date. Better yet, he lived like 20 miles away sort of, or maybe 15. What is really good? I have a feeling if If was white or Latina, or Asian or anything not black he would have drove from here to the moon. Even more, in three weeks I would have a wedding like some women. The reality is this, many black men do not respect black women. Yes, there are good brothas out there no doubt, we LOVE YOU FELLAS!!! thanks for loving us, but we do have many punk brothas throwing trash at us. This was the first time, the first date and this brotha wanted me to drive where he lived....... in the words of Marvin Gaye, what is going on? Am I doing too much to ask him to meet up half way? I guess small men come in big packages...lol

Nonetheless, I deleted this man's number who is working on his M.B.A. , because even in this desert called LALA land, I will not make sand into water......I am not asking for much, just respect as a woman, but something about my color makes this so much harder compared to other women in America.

Is there a sign on my head saying "give me trash"? But on a positive note sista's keep our heads up to the sky, we are queens, and we can't give up our thrown. All of us work so hard in this American society, we are just looking for some comfort and respect. The media may tell us to have ourselves, and even our own men may believe the lies, but God is real. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL! It is time to stand by our standards of not perfection, but respect, comfort and care, WE DESERVE THIS!


:-)

Breaking up is hard to do... on Facebook

To piggy back off the posting about facebook... social networking and dating really does add another dimension to an already complicated life situation.

Facebook in particular has captured the downtime of millions of adults and in a sense has created a generation of cyber stalkers. People will sit for hours looking at others photos, I always imagine them in dark rooms sitting in their underwear.

Breaking up now also involves an online profile that ties you to that person, and once you go from being in a relationship to being single... look out! You'll get sympothy postings, comments, and depending on the situation perhaps a nasty note from the other parties friends.

Take this stuff with a grain of salt and remember to keep some things to yourself. We invite others into our world, but we need to remember that we have control of what people see on our virtural profiles. Sometimes its best to keep relationship information private instead of Facebooked.

My sister did a sex tape and my engagemet is on cnn

My sister did a sex tape, I am engaged to a NBA ball player and this engagement is on CNN. These are just the facts, so what do you think?

SOUND OFF.

Social networking gone bad

Does facebook keep easy to be found by your ex? I have had like two people this summer email me on facebook. I love social networking, however, I hate it when people try to find you? Oh yeah I also hate it when people you went to high school with add you as a friend but never ever talk to you. How lame is that? Sometimes I feel like facebook is a way for lame people to stay all up in your business, for real. I wonder what will be the future consquences of this, most of all as we get older will deleting freinds become more common?

Let's Stay Together

http://hellobeautiful.com/your-world/swizz-beatz-ex-crashes-his-bday-party/

http://newsroom.mtv.com/2009/09/16/nas-kelis-spotted-twitter/

Now, I do not know any of these people. But they bring up two interesting topics. The first topic is going to your ex husbands birthday party. Apparently Mashonda went to a bday for Swiss ( Alicia Keys threw for him). I think in my mind that when our parents back in the day stayed together for the kids, it makes sense. When you are trying to raise a family it is so hard to separate everything. I know this is the reality and this is were we are as a society. I am not saying it is wrong automatically or right but it makes me wonder. The grass looks greener but maybe folks need to stay in their own backyard. Now of course if your partner is abusive then you can't make it work. If a person does not want to love you and this person is mean I understand why you want to leave. But all marriages have problems? This is why the marriage oath says until death do you part. Now for Alicia, she has to look over her back all the time because this man left his wife and young baby for you. But once again I do not know the situation, I like Alicia as an artist but maybe sometimes we need to let a person cool off before we date them. If you met someone who was recently married or is still married, let them cool off a sec....

Now for Nas and Kelis, they separated this year. New reports are claiming they may be back together. Now I do not know what occurred in private but both individuals did not jump into relationships so quickly?

So do you think a person needs to wait before dating someone who is divorced? also how long? most of all based on the situation of black marriages should we maybe think more before we marry and can we afford the divorce route in our African American communities?

Supporting Child Support

I'm the product of a fatherless home. Many of us are. And one issue growing up was of course child support. My mother raised me with no help from the man who left her to raise a kid on her own and when I hear about a man with a child, or children they don't support I get red with anger, theres never an excuse, period.

But this entry is all about the fathers who are damned if they do and damned if they don't when it comes to child support and a conspericy against black men.

It's well known that when it comes to fatherlessness, black families have the worst rates, it's been known for decades now. And now I've whitnessed fathers who are behind or don't pay child support put into jail for months at a time. So is this wrong or right? I usually like to play devils advocate, but in this instance I think jailing deliquent fathers is not the key to solving the child support problem. If it was left up to me, there would be prevention of conception period, especially for people who aren't ready for children like teens and financially unstable people. But alas, everyday there are unexpected preganacies and the babies are born, still little blessings. Somewhere along the way, thousands of men turn their backs on responsibility, and financially this can be devistating when raising a child. So the system has had the bright idea to jail these men. Causeing a chain reaction that ultimatly causes more pain for people. The men are jailed, which causes an inability to maintain employment, which causes an inability to pay child support, which causes more jail time. And with our black men being the highest statistic for child abandonment, this raises the numbers of our black men in jail tipping the scales for incarceration statistics.

So what is the solution? First of course is using your noodle and preventing pregnancy, http://www.americanpregnancy.org/preventingpregnancy/ if you cannot afford birth control, or cannot afford a child, do everything possible not to have one. It's worth it.

Second if there is a little 'surprise' the system should promote family togetherness, and encourage fatherhood and marriage. Especially in the inner city. Classes for young men, information, and a real life reality checks on the effects of a fatherless childhood. We should work to break the vicious cycles that are harming our people. And I really wish the young men, (and the old men who do the same thing) would just stop and THINK. In schools we SHOULD have sexual education, resources, and somewhere for teens to go. Because lets face it, we can turn our backs on it and deny it, but teens are sexually active. And more often than not they are active without proper information from parents and teachers.

For the deliquent fathers, instead of jail time, they should be forced to take parenting classes and job training if a job is the issue. Help not punishment is needed. How can a man maintain employment with a record? Hello, who's idea was it to make jail time okay.

I came to the realization that there are many reasons for fatherlessness, and although I wish there was something that could be done about it, it's still going to happen. So as Americans we should want to promote taking responsibility, fatherhood, and family. But maybe that's just me.

When Old Meets new

Sigh, so I'm in a situation where an old fling meets the man that has my heart. I can't help but to feel kind of... well strange. There's always something odd about the people from the past, guys in particular. Ladies we all know that after doing the "do" men act strange towards you. So it's no wonder that when they see you happy with someone else, theres a weird tension thats going to be very very, visible. I suppose I shouldn't feel strange, he had his chance and chose the latter. I am now happy with my prince charming and have moved on completely. Too bad, so sad

Health Care ASAP

Healthcare reform is important to all people and especially women of color such as ourselves!! We need to figure this stuff out ASAP!

Please add any info, this issue is hitting us hard.

http://www.kff.org/minorityhealth/7886.cfm

http://www.healthreform.gov/reports/seniorwomen/index.html

http://www.commonwealthfund.org/Content/Publications/Issue-Briefs/2009/May/Women-at-Risk.aspx

http://www.wellwoman09.org/materials/GWReport-CostBurdenofChronicIllnessFINAL.pdf

The First Lady of Hair

Our hair symbolically has deep meaning. Our hair relates to characteristics that enabled us to be labeled as property by Europeans. Our skin color and our exterior was used to differentiate ourselves from white people during slavery. We lived a colonial world that labeled anything dark as not beautiful. However, as people of African descent in the Americas we come in all shades and styles. Indeed some may seems the badge of dark skin as not favorable, however in the context of slavery, even our light skin shows how the master owned our female ancestors bodies. Nonetheless, whether you are dark as granite or light as paper, we all most likely have some ancestors of European descent. Remember, black women in America historically were made to breed and we were the sexual objects of the master( black men as well). However, we can all agree that human beings originated from the African continent. Th entire world is indeed children of the motherland. Now whether we keep our hair straight or curly is our own choice.The reasons why though will explain whether we have overcome the self hate brainwashing. If I make my hair straight because I like the style, this is understandable. If I feel my hair is ugly without this straightening process then this is a problem. Nonetheless, now that America is looking at us like never before it may be time we face some issues as people of African descent. I do feel however, that failed to mention that the root of the problem of self hate did not come from African slaves. I can imagine they loved their noses, hair and skin color.



http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1919147,00.html?iid=tsmodule

LA and SAN FRAN have the most sensitive men!

mmmmm, I am going to have to think about this one!

http://laist.com/2009/08/28/la_guys_are_sensitive.php

HOPE.......

I haven't written in a few months because I've been nursing this heart that has been burst to almost nothing. I not only almost lost faith in love but I also almost lost faith in humanity. Could human beings be so cruel, so sweet but so cruel? Why do people cry out to be loved but when they get the love they seek its not reciprocated. I have to say if I didn't have true love for self I would have completely lost it.


Here's what happened:
I had to leave the country to work on a film. A 20 day shoot and when I sent the last email to him and there was no response I knew something was wrong. I didn't let it get to me because I had to focus on work. When I returned back to the states I found out he moved out of his place and in with a new woman. Then he had nerve to want to be my friend. And of course with me being the one with all the love and no love in return says, "Ok, its cool, I hope and wish you happiness." We texted on occasions to check on each other. He's loved up with some new woman, and I'm home trying to pretend everything is fine, digging myself deeper into a whole of despair. I have to admit, when he texted me my world got brighter and I was able to breathe. But quickly it turned to pain and the darkness overwhelmed me again. I couldn't let it get to anger because too many layers would drive me insane.

About 4 weeks went by when he called me and said he needed to talk. Of course I ran with arms and soul open. I picked him up and he finally explained his actions. He said, "There was something about her. I thought because we were both from the same back ground and we both came to the states at the same time we would have a lot in common. But I was wrong. She has structure which is what I need but she also wants to control me and doesn't believe in me." Now, I'm listening to this and my hopes are gathering and my heart opened with great love for the universe. I thought this was it. This is awesome. My birthday was the next day and he spent the whole night partying with friends and drinking and talking about old times. We had a wonderful time. Being with him was like nothing ever changed. We didn't have sex, which was a first for me but we did have a good chat. He was saying he was going to leave her and find his own place again. I then realized he was full of shish and just went on with our conversation as nothing.

About a week later we were scheduled to go to Vegas to celebrate both of our birthdays and he called and said he made up with her and he was going to try and work it out. He then said something that almost ended my faith in love, he said, "I think she is the ONE." The ONE? Was he Fing kiding me? I just knodded my head and told him I had to go. I later wrote him a poem:

"I wanted to tell you at the moment you requested me to say something. I wanted to say something when you said the words that shattered my world. I wanted to say it as the moonlight shown in on my tears as I thought your last words to myself over and over, telling myself its not over, it can't be over. When I felt your heart racing against my breast in our first embrace, when you first felt the kiss from my soul, even though I wasn’t there. But mostly I wanted to say it the last night I saw you, as you held me in your arms, looking down at my precious face knowingly looking up at you. Still inside my soul, quiet, motionless, but so inside me. I wanted so badly to tell you that…..the words each time graced my lips like an impostor. Only to fall away like some great blizzard that was taken out to sea to rain its fury on the dark ocean, alone, unbeknownst to any hearing. I pray that you can hear them for what they are, feel them for what they are, and not mar them with the knowledge that they stand apart from your ability to reciprocate them. Please take them in your heart, feel them with your eyes closed and your soul open for just a moment. My voice speaking them softly in your ear, with a kiss. When you smile, when your head lightly moves to the song that reminds you of me, when your tongue finds my lips, when you ramble over a glass of wine, when you act boldly, when you laugh, when you squeeze my hand, when you call my name in a whisper, when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace, when you love me. What I’m sad about is selfish. I’m sad at G-d’s timing. I’m only a woman and as a woman I miss you. I miss you terribly. I miss your kiss. I miss your smile, ooohhhh how I miss your smile. But most of all I miss the moment that hasn’t happened yet. The moment when we let ourselves fall for each other. What makes it hard for me is knowing how much you cared for me, how much in a way you do love me. How much you would enjoy smiling wryly as you hurled yourself backwards off the cliff and said “catch me baby”. If I didn’t know that, I could make you a villain, me a victim, and soothe myself. But I can’t because it isn’t the truth. The truth we both know; the truth is “not today”. I know we're not ready for each other and you can't make your self love me. I wouldn’t want you to. I also know you would never fly a million miles just to see me smile at you. Someday maybe, but not today. So I guess I better disappear. I know you are okay and soon I will be too. And maybe, just maybe, if G-d so desires….a day will come when as friends we will find ourselves accidentally strolling along the white cliffs of Dover or the mountain rocks of Mendocino or sitting on the clear ocean beaches of Fiji or the bonny emerald north of the Scottish Seaboard or the glistening harbor of Old New York and from the heights in the stars, amongst the angels whose arms will cradle us, in a moment neither of us was told about but knew like our oldest happiness, we will look into each other’s eyes and know…..it is today. It is today. And whether that day is tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or next lifetime. I, your beautiful disaster, will finally get to tell you to your sweet face…the face that I will miss more than I could ever tell…that…I love you. I love you. Ohhh baby I love you. And you’ll smile wryly, close your eyes, say “catch me baby”, and fall and choose me."

I wrote this and listened to
Rootless Tree
by Damien Rice over and over again


What I want from you
Is empty your head
They say be true
Don't stain your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me
Like a rootless tree
What I want from us
Is empty our minds
We fake a fuss
And fracture the times
We go blind
When we've needed to see
And it leans on me
Like a rootless...
So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out,
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out
What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that is old
Killers reinvent and believe
And this leans on me
Like a rootless...
So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it,
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me , hate me,
Then hate me so good that you can let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
And fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, Hell when you're around...(Repeat 4x)
Let me out, let me out, let me out...
It's hell when you're around
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo

Yeah, I was done torturing myself. At least that's what I thought. He called me and said we could never not be friends because we are connected, actual kindred spirits. And he needed me once again. I went to see him and we hung out all day and had a wonderful time. He talked about his problems and I sat a listened like a good woman in love with someone who doesn't love her back. He said he never has a great time with anyone else like he does with me. Its good being the buddy. I guess. Now I'm just waiting for whats next. I'm at the point were my yo yo string is about to break if I'm not there already. I care for him deeply but maybe we were not meant to be in this life time or any. At least this is how I feel now until he calls me again.

I'm beginning to not enjoy Love. It seems as I get older its more complicated. When I was younger I was in love and then out of love and then off to the next one. Now it seems to be deeper more intense and real. The pain is still the same it just last longer. I refuse to let any of this jade me from the feelings I will have for someone who will one day appreciate my love. I can't. All I can do is hope. What will I do without hope?...((((((smiles)))))))