HOPE.......

I haven't written in a few months because I've been nursing this heart that has been burst to almost nothing. I not only almost lost faith in love but I also almost lost faith in humanity. Could human beings be so cruel, so sweet but so cruel? Why do people cry out to be loved but when they get the love they seek its not reciprocated. I have to say if I didn't have true love for self I would have completely lost it.


Here's what happened:
I had to leave the country to work on a film. A 20 day shoot and when I sent the last email to him and there was no response I knew something was wrong. I didn't let it get to me because I had to focus on work. When I returned back to the states I found out he moved out of his place and in with a new woman. Then he had nerve to want to be my friend. And of course with me being the one with all the love and no love in return says, "Ok, its cool, I hope and wish you happiness." We texted on occasions to check on each other. He's loved up with some new woman, and I'm home trying to pretend everything is fine, digging myself deeper into a whole of despair. I have to admit, when he texted me my world got brighter and I was able to breathe. But quickly it turned to pain and the darkness overwhelmed me again. I couldn't let it get to anger because too many layers would drive me insane.

About 4 weeks went by when he called me and said he needed to talk. Of course I ran with arms and soul open. I picked him up and he finally explained his actions. He said, "There was something about her. I thought because we were both from the same back ground and we both came to the states at the same time we would have a lot in common. But I was wrong. She has structure which is what I need but she also wants to control me and doesn't believe in me." Now, I'm listening to this and my hopes are gathering and my heart opened with great love for the universe. I thought this was it. This is awesome. My birthday was the next day and he spent the whole night partying with friends and drinking and talking about old times. We had a wonderful time. Being with him was like nothing ever changed. We didn't have sex, which was a first for me but we did have a good chat. He was saying he was going to leave her and find his own place again. I then realized he was full of shish and just went on with our conversation as nothing.

About a week later we were scheduled to go to Vegas to celebrate both of our birthdays and he called and said he made up with her and he was going to try and work it out. He then said something that almost ended my faith in love, he said, "I think she is the ONE." The ONE? Was he Fing kiding me? I just knodded my head and told him I had to go. I later wrote him a poem:

"I wanted to tell you at the moment you requested me to say something. I wanted to say something when you said the words that shattered my world. I wanted to say it as the moonlight shown in on my tears as I thought your last words to myself over and over, telling myself its not over, it can't be over. When I felt your heart racing against my breast in our first embrace, when you first felt the kiss from my soul, even though I wasn’t there. But mostly I wanted to say it the last night I saw you, as you held me in your arms, looking down at my precious face knowingly looking up at you. Still inside my soul, quiet, motionless, but so inside me. I wanted so badly to tell you that…..the words each time graced my lips like an impostor. Only to fall away like some great blizzard that was taken out to sea to rain its fury on the dark ocean, alone, unbeknownst to any hearing. I pray that you can hear them for what they are, feel them for what they are, and not mar them with the knowledge that they stand apart from your ability to reciprocate them. Please take them in your heart, feel them with your eyes closed and your soul open for just a moment. My voice speaking them softly in your ear, with a kiss. When you smile, when your head lightly moves to the song that reminds you of me, when your tongue finds my lips, when you ramble over a glass of wine, when you act boldly, when you laugh, when you squeeze my hand, when you call my name in a whisper, when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace, when you love me. What I’m sad about is selfish. I’m sad at G-d’s timing. I’m only a woman and as a woman I miss you. I miss you terribly. I miss your kiss. I miss your smile, ooohhhh how I miss your smile. But most of all I miss the moment that hasn’t happened yet. The moment when we let ourselves fall for each other. What makes it hard for me is knowing how much you cared for me, how much in a way you do love me. How much you would enjoy smiling wryly as you hurled yourself backwards off the cliff and said “catch me baby”. If I didn’t know that, I could make you a villain, me a victim, and soothe myself. But I can’t because it isn’t the truth. The truth we both know; the truth is “not today”. I know we're not ready for each other and you can't make your self love me. I wouldn’t want you to. I also know you would never fly a million miles just to see me smile at you. Someday maybe, but not today. So I guess I better disappear. I know you are okay and soon I will be too. And maybe, just maybe, if G-d so desires….a day will come when as friends we will find ourselves accidentally strolling along the white cliffs of Dover or the mountain rocks of Mendocino or sitting on the clear ocean beaches of Fiji or the bonny emerald north of the Scottish Seaboard or the glistening harbor of Old New York and from the heights in the stars, amongst the angels whose arms will cradle us, in a moment neither of us was told about but knew like our oldest happiness, we will look into each other’s eyes and know…..it is today. It is today. And whether that day is tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or next lifetime. I, your beautiful disaster, will finally get to tell you to your sweet face…the face that I will miss more than I could ever tell…that…I love you. I love you. Ohhh baby I love you. And you’ll smile wryly, close your eyes, say “catch me baby”, and fall and choose me."

I wrote this and listened to
Rootless Tree
by Damien Rice over and over again


What I want from you
Is empty your head
They say be true
Don't stain your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me
Like a rootless tree
What I want from us
Is empty our minds
We fake a fuss
And fracture the times
We go blind
When we've needed to see
And it leans on me
Like a rootless...
So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out,
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out
What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that is old
Killers reinvent and believe
And this leans on me
Like a rootless...
So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it,
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me , hate me,
Then hate me so good that you can let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
And fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, Hell when you're around...(Repeat 4x)
Let me out, let me out, let me out...
It's hell when you're around
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo

Yeah, I was done torturing myself. At least that's what I thought. He called me and said we could never not be friends because we are connected, actual kindred spirits. And he needed me once again. I went to see him and we hung out all day and had a wonderful time. He talked about his problems and I sat a listened like a good woman in love with someone who doesn't love her back. He said he never has a great time with anyone else like he does with me. Its good being the buddy. I guess. Now I'm just waiting for whats next. I'm at the point were my yo yo string is about to break if I'm not there already. I care for him deeply but maybe we were not meant to be in this life time or any. At least this is how I feel now until he calls me again.

I'm beginning to not enjoy Love. It seems as I get older its more complicated. When I was younger I was in love and then out of love and then off to the next one. Now it seems to be deeper more intense and real. The pain is still the same it just last longer. I refuse to let any of this jade me from the feelings I will have for someone who will one day appreciate my love. I can't. All I can do is hope. What will I do without hope?...((((((smiles)))))))